the sea, the sea

27 November 2009 @ 02:44 am

in the crockpot is a rosemary-mint lentil soup. there is a pumpkin pie, rolls, spinach and cheese dip. tomorrow afternoon i'll make lavosh bread and b'stilla. olivia is bringing tarte au citron, and i don't know what all else will show up. this all sounds like a lovely stand-in, unconventional thanksgiving. i'm also starving at the moment.
thanksgiving at Jake's was decent. i still feel that people who eat at restaurants on thanksgiving and christmas are tacky, though.
last night i got drunk on two glasses of wine. that is, frankly, sad.
got some homework done this evening, along with cleaning extensively. productive. except now i'm super awake, but definitely need to be awake in about 7 hours.
-anna

Tags: cleaning, cooking, drunk, food, thanksgiving

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25 November 2009 @ 03:59 am

if you don't have a date, go out and celebrate; go out and sit on the lawn and do nothing

'All I'm saying is that if I ever start referring to these as the best years of my life - remind me to kill myself.'
I think those were the best days of my life.

If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine.
-Waltz, Fiona Apple

sometimes i am unsure.
-anna

Tags: best days of my life, fiona apple, music, unsure

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24 November 2009 @ 07:12 pm

(no subject)

also, my upstairs neighbors have been increasingly loud lately. which makes me think that maybe someone else moved in without me noticing (which is not inconceivable). so either they a) walk like elephants everywhere, b) are holding weekly raves, or c) are murdering people and hiding the bodies.
i have no problem with any of these things as long as they don't involve me, but i would really rather that they didn't make my ceiling rattle.
-anna

Tags: annoying, loud, neighbors

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24 November 2009 @ 06:09 pm

eiffel tower missing a leg.

mom called this evening to say that she and dad decided they weren't up to putting together a thanksgiving dinner, so we have reservations at Jake's tomorrow in Portland. while i entirely sympathize with all this and am not upset by it, the residual bit of childhood self that is still hanging on is crying.
in other news, sexy jager tuesday and sweater franzia wednesday are promising. except i may not make it to jager tuesday in favor of hanging out with a boy. but sweater franzia wednesday w/ hookah and christmas music and art schoolers (including twin) sound like the best time ever. hello, hungover thanksgiving.
excited for this disney movie. even if it does suck. but the trailers look promising.
this week so far has been halfway productive. but mostly it's just been social.
-anna

Tags: alcohol, childhood, disney, hookah, productive, thanksgiving

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22 November 2009 @ 02:34 pm

cut copy

walks in the rain and wind that feel like i'm going to be swept off the road.
art schoolers are still my favorite people. although it's also becoming more and more of a term that just includes anyone who should have gone to vsaa. open minded people who are entirely unafraid to be themselves.
tequila should still be a no go. i was correct in making that statement the first time.
-anna

Tags: art school, storm, tequila

i hear: cut copy - in ghost colours

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19 November 2009 @ 10:13 pm

weather forecast.

my life. sooooo awkward.
-anna

Tags: awkward, oh my life

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19 November 2009 @ 12:27 am

great frontier ---- it can only start with you.

oooooooh my life.

I count the days the Great Frontier
Forgiving, faced the seventh year
I stand in awe of gratefulness
I can and call forgetfulness

And when I, and when I call
The patient, the patient fall
The Spirit, the Carpenter
Invites us to be with her

What have we become America?
Soldiers on the Great Frontier!
Carpenter and Soldier, one on one
It's the battle, volunteer!

Run from yourself
From your friends, from ya-
Run for your life
For your friends, for ya-
America, merica, meri-
Oh Illinois, Illinois, Illi-

The prairie, the frontier
The perfect farm, it's from here
The fortress, the faker, the cornerstone, the baker
The dancer, the fisher, audition and the disher
The boxer, the fetcher
The chewing gum, dreamcatcher

I count the days the Great Frontier
Forgiving, faced the seventh year
I stand and strain to make ends meet
Five Spirits on the Grand Marquee

And when I, and when I call
The patient, the patient fall
The Spirit, the Carpenter
Invites us to be with her

There was a man at the wall
He was grateful for us all
I saw the wise woman sing
She wasn't asking anything
She wasn't asking anything
How she made the nations sing!

What have we become America?
Soldiers on the Great Frontier!

Run from yourself!
From your friends, from ya-
Run for your life!
For your friends, for ya-
America, merica, meri-
Oh Illinois, Illinois, Illi-

The mattress, the floozies
The actress at the movies
The lantern, the lotion
The wind that wakes the ocean
The Standard Edition
The architect's rendition
The fashion, the fevers
The house we got at Sears

Oh, Great Fire of Great Disaster
Oh, Great Heaven, oh, Great Master
Oh, Great Goat, the curse you gave us
Oh, Great Ghost, protect and save us
Oh, Great River, green with envy
Oh, Jane Addams, spirit send thee
Oh, Great Trumpet and the singers
Oh, Great Goodman, King of Swingers
Oh, Great Bears and Bulls, Joe Jackson
Oh, Great Illinois

Given what you lost, are you better off?
Given what you had, has it made you mad?
Celebrate the few, celebrate the new
It can only start with you

The Tallest Man The Broadest Shoulders - Sufjan Stevens

Tags: frontier, oh my life, sufjan stevens

i feel:

blank

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16 November 2009 @ 06:32 pm

(no subject)

tonight i made lavosh and fatoosh, and both were delicious.
i remain no more found than i was before.
it was windy and dark today.
i'm writing a paper about Aztec art as a cultural transmitter.
but i'd really just like to be writing.
-anna

Tags: cold, dark, food, homework, lost

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16 November 2009 @ 02:44 am

fruit.

my life is full of dead ends.
-anna

Tags: dead ends

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15 November 2009 @ 09:47 pm

we were all basically alone.

We were all basically alone
And despite what all his studies had shown
That what's mistaken for closeness
Is just a case of mitosis
And why do some show no mercy
While others are painfully shy?
Tell me doctor, can you quantify?
He just wants to know the reason why

Tags: alone, andrew bird, imitosis

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15 November 2009 @ 03:33 am

(no subject)

i do not understand people. i really really don't. it isn't just the male population, although that is usually the conundrum that spurs this realization. it just comes down to the point that i really don't understand humanity. or myself.
i used to be so juvenile-ishly sure of myself and what i wanted out of life. and now at 20, i'm having an existential crisis. on the one hand i have no idea what to do with myself, and on the other i'm horribly afraid of death and aging and time passing and realizing at the end of it that i've wasted all of it. and what scares me most is that i have no way to deal with it. that i may very well go the rest of my life feeling this way. insignificant and just like everyone else, lost and confused and, eventually, dead.
one of my goals in middle / high school was to have a novel finished and on it's way to being published by the time i was eighteen. that goal is far overshot. i did write a novella for my junior project, and i enjoyed how it turned out, but i also know that i can do much, much better.
so here is a declaration for myself. to write and be published. i can't just let go of my dreams like that. it's too much of an adult thing to do. and i don't ever want to grow up.
every time i start entering into a potential relationship now i start asking myself "do i really want this commitment, someone at my coat tails all the time, sharing my life" when i'm so utterly selfish. i don't know if i can give up part of myself like that now, or ever. i don't know that i can be selfless enough to have children. i don't know that i can be reliable enough to raise a family. i don't know that i can stay in one place for more than a few years. i don't know that i can have a real career when my interests seem to evolve and grow every day. when i'm interested in so many different things. music, photography, painting, writing, culture, baking, buddhism, society, education, the whole fucking human mind. that's why i chose anthropology, because it covers such a broad spectrum of human topics. because that's really what i'm interested in; people. who they are, why they do what they do, what they think their ultimate purpose is. because let's face it, i don't fucking know. more and more i don't fucking know. and more and more i just realize how hopeless and repetitive it all is. we live, we think we love and hate and laugh and weep and create and destroy and make something significant. but there have been millions of people before us and there will be millions of people after us, and who will all be remembered? what impact do i REALLY have in the grand scheme. which makes me think there IS no grand scheme. i truly do not believe we have a purpose, and that is frightening. christianity and i have a problem because the concept of God brings up the idea of a Greater Plan, and i just can't wrap my head around what our part in that plan is. because so far we haven't had one. we live and die and then the earth buries us. everyone. there is no exception. when i was a kid i had some hope that i was exceptional; i read too much science fiction and fantasy books and cultivated the underlying hope that at some point in my life something amazing would happen to me. but that isn't true, is it. nothing amazing ever really happens to us. it's all been done, over and over. we are not special.
and at the same time, everyone i meet is so individualistically unique. their very own person, with their very own experiences and interests. and that makes me even sadder, that they'll die and they won't be remembered. that we get wrapped up in our own lives and feelings and thoughts that we stop thinking of the bigger things and how to contribute to them. WHAT I REALLY WANT IS FOR EVERY SINGLE PERSON TO BE RECOGNIZED AS ENTIRELY SIGNIFICANT AND FOR THEIR MEMORY TO BE AVAILABLE TO ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED. but i know that isn't really practical. even the big celebrities and artists, television shows and musicians and comedians, in a few decades they'll be moot. even if we survive past 2012 (which i suspect we will). although who am i to doubt the end of the world; for all know, it could be entirely possible.
and i'm sorry that facebook is the only outlet i have at this moment for this outburst. this outburst that a bare handful of people will ever read. this sad, drunken outburst that has come around mostly as a result of frustration at my own life and why it continues to go so unsatisfyingly. why my own process of socialization has created this awkward, ugly human being that can't help thinking of why we're all so hopeless, this individual who is no more different than anyone else. and yet this individual who is so different from ANYONE else.
i'm too drunk. i'm too sad. i miss you so much it really makes my heart ache. i think you might have been the one i could have spent a lifetime with.
mmkay i took like half hour break from this post to write an e-mail. so i had really better wrap it up, because i don't remember at all where i was going with it, and i'm just more drunk now than i was even before.
goodnight.
-anna

Tags: drunk, existential, fml, love, upset

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15 November 2009 @ 02:03 am

(no subject)

seriously life, f you.

Tags: fml

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15 November 2009 @ 01:59 am

WHY WON'T YOU

BLAAAAARRRGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGRGHGHRRHFRRRRAAARGHGHGHGHGHGFJGHGFRAGGGLE
f my life.
-anna

Tags: fml

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12 November 2009 @ 12:26 pm

(no subject)

as of 4:30 this morning, my hookah is in vancouver, WA, out for delivery.
JUST GET HERE ALREADY.

Tags: hookah

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11 November 2009 @ 11:55 pm

awkward pause, fatal flaws.

i can watch my own progression from last spring into full blown, dissatisfied, tentative hipster. thank you, portland influence.
sometimes i still miss you so hard. i think i'm over it and then it just comes spiraling back, sucking me back like the ocean, and i wonder if i'll really ever, truly get over it.
fuck my life. this is stupid.
-anna

Tags: hipster, hopeless, miss you, nostalgia, reminiscent, sad

i hear: andrew bird - armchair apocrypha

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11 November 2009 @ 04:02 pm

(no subject)

also, my dream the other night:
for some reason mom was making sarah and i sleep over in a house that was obviously haunted, and no matter how much we begged and asked her not to, she made us stay there. then the house turned into vsaa, and we were spending the night in 201, still terrified of it being haunted, and i think zada kept coming in to check on us, and it may have been halloween, because we kept seeing art schoolers walking around in costume.
common themes of my dreams:
my grandparent's house in ilwaco
vsaa
my sister

Tags: dreams

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11 November 2009 @ 03:57 pm

veteran's day

four minutes ago, my hookah arrived in Portland, OR.
:)
today; didn't wake up until 11:30ish, didn't get out of bed until 12:30 ish, took a shower, looked classy, listened to cab calloway and cleaned, dinked around, finished cleaning a few minutes ago. now, going to make hummus and lavosh flatbread and see if i can get that essay redone so i can get an A in my women's hist. class. later, possibly hang out with tyler, or caitlin, or dinner with my family.
all in all, a good daaaaaay.
and tomorrow; done with class by one, then powell's, and HOOKAH.
fuck yes.
-anna

Tags: cleaning, holiday, hookah, lazy

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08 November 2009 @ 02:59 pm

jurisdiction

the other week i had an especially vivid dream but there's only really one segment of it that i remember strongly. it was dark, and some kind of machine was burying all these people in a mass grave, moving soil and bodies around at random, and somehow i knew that sarah was in there. i started trying to drag her out, and she was still alive, and as soon as i had a real hold on her a bullet went through her chest and the part of the dream that stayed with me and replayed over and over was seeing the life and pain going out of her eyes into nothing. and then the difficulty of not having people understand how a center of my world and my identity was suddenly gone.
i don't get dreams like that very often, but more and more the only dreams i remember are nightmares.
looking up soup and sandwich recipes.
-anna

Tags: dreams, nightmare, twin

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08 November 2009 @ 02:08 am

the concubine, by beirut

a nice evening spent with friendly people. a little drinking, a little smoking; home now with a mug of franzia before bed, listening to Beirut and wishing that my life was this song. literally, not just in this song, but THIS SONG.
i also wish my life was The Secret Garden or The Little Princess (the movies). that everything took place in the English countryside, or in India, or in the foggy streets of London, with an aged yellowish tint and lots of vibrant but also subtle colors. that everything felt like i was a five year old girl again. the process of socialization really strips us of ourselves.
that is how this song makes me feel. like i'm melancholy and nostalgic, like i've lost a most vital part of myself, like i feel lost and unaware of who i am, how i went for so long being so sure of my identity and who i am and suddenly i hit twenty and i realize that i have no idea; that i am whoever i want to be, and whoever i don't want to be. and also how insignificant i am; how in 60 or 70 years (hopefully) i will die and leave hardly any trace of my existence, and any emotions and trials and celebrations i will have had will matter for nothing. how i could die even tomorrow and there would be barely a footprint of my life on this earth; and then what does this earth even matter. it makes me feel hopeless and thoughtful, but mostly hopeless. what does one of billions of perspectives matter, when we all live for hardly a blink anways.
i don't think i can listen to this song anymore. i keep thinking that maybe if i stare into this merlot for long enough it will impart some infinite wisdom.
this is too much.
-anna

Tags: drunk, life, music, thinking, thoughtful

i hear: beirut

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07 November 2009 @ 12:49 pm

give me some salt

i am the most awkward person i know.
-anna

Tags: awkward, me

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